Update and Apologies

Good day,

Last week I got my blog posts updated in line with the podcast episodes I have published over on YouTube since end of last year. What I did not realize was how messy it was! I had duplicate lists, automations that were totally messed up, and all sorts of oddities. So, for that I apologize and have updated distribution lists for the blog posts. This does happen and the duplication was probably a tad annoying and for that I appreciate your patience.

Health and business are a delicate balance. One of the strangest things to navigate is cognitive dissonance. I keep finding ways to move forward and to make use of all of those years. Ultimately, how to let go of it all but then I feel so lost and lonely. I don't understand it in so many ways but also totally see how its come to be the way it is just as another story like so many out there. The worry of am I doing it right? Must I apologize for any misunderstandings? Where can I do better? What can I appreciate in the now?

How does one reinvent themselves where they are and yet embrace what all they have? How do I start from where I am? These are my existential questions that I sit with at my kitchen table on any given day... I have had that clarity a few times... something comes up. Eventually the fatigues causes a weird catch-22, an Uoroboros of sorts, where you are too tired to do yet to do anything yet you need to be doing to not be so tired. I was one thing (librarian) for so long... I do not even feel the name belongs to me any more. I have moved on that way, so why do I still hold onto librarianship?

I apologize for the spirals I create, these labyrinths of which I write. Yet, this is the true cycle of the world in which we figure out how to thrive and be alive. I always trust in that and have my number one priority of my family. Health and happiness in there, too. I am finding stable ground while still wishing I was among the stars at times. Actively keep out of ruminations that could easily take over my over thinking, analytical mind that cannot help but notice patterns.

Trouble with patterns is they are for better or worse. What I see in librarianship I want to say and share in hopes of improving things, but I often wonder if that is a fruitless endeavour and so it takes me weeks of debate before even saying anything, removing the timeliness often required to be a part of the conversation. That said, that is very classic me to know what to say after the fact, haha. I wish to see things improve in so many ways, that I also must turn it inward as the frustration and anger is not mine to hold onto. Yet, the more that are silent, the less changes. That said... we have loved ones and families and our own health. I have seen too many fall or almost fall and I do not want that to be me, chasing a fruitless endeavour that alights so much passion in my heart that it changes my whole body language for the better; I alight with delight!

I am happy to say that it is getting easier to type again. I am not quite to the point of holding books for long periods of time. My shelves are absolutely unruly versus the organized they once where, a time ago that I must let go. Maybe after I let go off all these "once weres", I might be able to enjoy a bit more what is... but then what happens when I want more again? I suppose... that is a worry for later and do not much matter right at this time while I rest and heal, right?

A common theme lately is bounceback game.... I been bounced back alright... bounced all over the place and bounce back... that I suppose is up to me, my decisions, and how I decide to react to everything around me - gracefully. I hold trust and faith and steadily hold myself accountable for my role in my own fate. I do not chase, I attract. I do not wallow, I appreciate. I remind myself of all the silver linings and do the work. For example, like with my other disabilities, I work to find my healthy normal. Work in this case is observing, journalling, reflecting, talking, testing, refining, analysing and modifying accordingly. Yes, this is just a part of who I am, as I am survivalist by nature and this is part of the creative process required to think outside of the normal to enjoy life.

Thank you for being a part of this journey - cancer is quite the oddest blessing and truly can change your perspectives in more ways then ever imaginable. I really have moved to a turtles pace in terms of completing projects - like all those blog posts last week that may have spammed people unintentionally. Again, my apologies and thank you for your patience.

Rose,

The Unlibrarian